A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter`s plane. She had just come back from a far away land trying to find adventure.
As the daughter was exiting the plane, the mother noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head. The daughter introduced this man as her new husband.
The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment and screamed,
“I said for you to marry a Rich Doctor! a Rich Doctor!”
The kid ran out of the burlesque show.
The doorman grabbed him and asked what is the matter.
The kid said, “My Mama told me if I looked at anything bad I’d turn to stone…. and I can feel it starting!”
For those of you who may need it…A Prayer for the Stressed!
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the behind that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work….
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays
And help me to remember …
When I’m having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my arm and smack the jerk on the head!
This guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. As he sits drinking, he notices a peanut jump out of the dish before him. The peanut proceeds to talk, ‘hey there buddy,’ it hollers, ‘you’re looking mighty fine tonight!’
The guy can’t believe what he is seeing. ‘This sure is some strong beer!’ He thinks to himself before getting up to go to the toilet. On his way back to the bar, the guy walks past a cigarette machine which appears to speak ,’hey asshole, go screw yourself!’ it yells.
The guy can’t believe it and decides to ask the bartender what’s going on. ‘Hey bartender, I swear to god that one of those peanuts over there just started a conversation with me and on the way back from the men’s room, your cigarette machine just swore at me.’
‘Let me explain,’ replies the bartender ‘the peanuts are complimentary and the cigarette machine is out of order.’
I was in the waiting room of my doctor’s office the other day when the doctor started yelling, “Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!” I went up to the nurse and asked her what was going on.
She told me that the doctor liked to call the shots.
A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
“What Denomination?” Asked the clerk.
“Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?” said the woman.
“Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic!